44. Positively negative

I'm out of words. But here are some of what I've got left.

With all that has been happening during this year; all the political instabilities, volcano eruptions, forest bushfires, water floods, deadly avalanches, tragic and VERY sudden deaths, and more importantly, covid-19 you really suck! Lord, what the hell is going on?
It is worse than the end of the world. As if life has already ended but we're still there. Yes, it's a totally non-sense sentence but honestly, I'm too lazy to think of something else to translate my thought so, bear with me here. 
I'm sick of positive speeches virally shared online and "influencers" teaching people how to hang in there and "everything will be okay". I myself have tried the "it's gonna be okay" speech this year, who hasn't?
You know what? I totally changed my mind.
Abandon that laptop on your lap, put your fingers off your smartphone, put down that tablet or whatever electronic device you're holding in your hands and go stand in front of a mirror, see your face, cry your ass out, acknowledge your deepest and saddest feelings, look at yourself and ask yourself OUTLOUD 'What's wrong?' or 'What's the matter?' but ask yourself and LISTEN to yourself. Make sure you don't do it at work though, I don't want to be a reason for you to get fired!
Think about past memories, think about little things that make you happy, sad, or indifferent.
Think about people you hate or have complicated and indescribable feelings for.
Think about the dumbest thing you've ever done in your life and be able to actually spend time on recalling the consequences that came after what you did; hold that thought, feel it, face it, give yourself the time to consciously reflect on it. 

Think about something you hated during your childhood, a nightmare you still remember, a physical pain you caused to yourself when your child 'you' was transforming into a 'teenage' you.  
Think about a time you lied to someone you cared about.
Give some time to remember someone you loved so much but life has abandoned in the middle of their way. Let these 'sad' feelings hug you and accompany you for a moment. 
Think about a time you thought you were evil because you caused harm to someone. 
Now you see these thoughts crossing your mind while reading my cheesy blog, those images your brain is kindly scrolling for you, those goosebumps you are maybe getting, embrace these feelings.
It's totally okay not to feel okay.
Positive and happy thoughts are good but there is a huge risk that, if you have too many of them, you tend to forget to listen to your inner voice, to reflect on your pain, and to stand by yourself. Let these feelings pop-up so you can face them. You want to feel courageous, well confrontation is one of the biggest steps you can take. 
People whom you love and cherish are surely going to be there for you.
Family, friends, besties, professors, colleagues, and even sometimes stranger taxi drivers, some of them should seriously think of applying for psychology degrees! 
All of these people can be there for you but, no one is your best friend more than yourself.
So listen to that voice and follow the lead of your tears (make sure you get hydrated though)! 
After that, you can meditate to recharge your soul with happy and positive energy but, make sure you give yourself the time to do the tough job first! 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have got to go. 

©Marwa Touimi 2018 @AUI